February 10, 2006

# 43

Dear Diary,

Today marks a black day on the calendar of truth for two loosely connected reasons. Firstly, the pack of Hawaiian hazelnut flavoured coffee, which was so kindly brought back from the States and handled with velvet gloves by Mrs Kaufman's boss, is no longer unleashing into our humble abode its exquisite aroma and superior taste. Returning to a sack of endemic coffee granules this morning was worse than having my feet covered with concrete, instructed to wait a couple of hours without cheese anywhere within reach and then tickled all over with the tip of a vibrator before finally being pushed into the deep end of a pool.

Secondly, and in my opinion a vastly superior feature of how disturbing this incident has been, is that I'm compelled to write about it.

In other developments, it's 5 pm on Friday, which means nothing else matters.

- Andy Kaufman

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Jen said...

Worse than having your feet covered with concrete?

So... how would you describe being told to be off coffee altogether?

(I love your photos in below posts)

Kaufman said...

Infinitely worse. Though I've never had the pleasure, I'd say it would feel quite amazing to have concrete poured over your feet. Maybe the gun barrel of a Mafioso groupie and his body odour would cause minor annoyance but overall I'm leaning towards a memorable encounter with the sense of touch.

Regarding your question of abstinence from coffee, that would present quite the challenge as I've been involved in a relationship with the saucy substance for many a year. It's not abuse, mind you. Honestly. It's pure and devoted love. I never drank coffee until I started tour guiding, where thirtee-hour days were common, and since I've never had a cigarette in my life, I reckon just this one little addiction won't kill me. Unless a 50kg bag of the stuff lands on my head. Mafioso.

I appreciate the comment about my photos. Thank you.

Buddy Belcher said...

When I have time... I'm going to read your fiction... oh yeah.
I'm calling everyone bitch today.

Ms Smack said...

I totally understand. Once I developed a full blown love affair with Cibos, Hudsons Coffee and now Bean Bar, I could never, ever have instant again. I started to drink black herbal tea at home, and coffee only when it was professionally made.

Even filtered coffee at home isnt the same.

I am however, tragically facing a coffee intolerance from Friday. Blood results will arrive. I'm preparing for the worse.

Cross your appendages. I'd give away my favourite dildo before I'd stop buying a decent cappucino.