February 21, 2006

# 49

In an attempt to extend the life expectancy of my teeth, I'm slowly waning myself off of that ungodly white substance, sugar. The idea came to me in a dream involving sublime acts of nudity, though there's no correlation between the skin and the sweet stuff.

My Say Not-right-now To Sugar campaign was officially set into motion by a recent visit to the dentist down the road (the most convenient way of avoiding the phrase 'But it's too inconvenient, honey,' had there been one anywhere but there), the first time I've been for more than ten years. Count 'em! I know, I know: it's my own fault that my teeth are rotting inside my own head and that I can no longer safely exercise my religious right to bite heads off of live chickens on stage without fearing a chipping or accidental self-extraction of a filling.

That's life, Jim, but not as we know it.

I didn't realise that dentists no longer used anaesthetic to calm patients down before drilling for oil. When did this little detail become the norm and why wasn't I informed? Had I been made aware of that minor detail, I would've stayed at home drinking potent cups of coffee with sixteen sugars apiece.

I certainly wouldn't have shat in my pants the second the masked bandit began the procedure.

The idea of falsies works for me. I'd opt for the retractable fangs to make the experience worth my while, taking great pleasure in fucking with the minds of children and the elderly, just because, you know, I'd be able to. As I aged, senility and, eventually, insanity would form a watertight case in my defence.

With this scenario, the possibility of getting addicted to the taste of human blood must be sky high, leading me to deduce that that addiction is probably far healthier than the addiction to sugar I'm in the process of evicting.

Plus, I could target people who annoy the hell out of me, sparing no politician, journalist or Grammy Award winner in the process. And Gwyneth Paltrow. She'd be on the list. For the record, I'd promise to attend How To Fly classes at nights and take requests for all future victims via email.

Meanwhile, as I was lying back, fixating on a crack in the ceiling to get my mind off the smell and noise that I love about as much as men with exposed navels, doing my utmost to collapse the entire operation with the power of my mind (I failed yet again), it became evident through lack of pain that the non-use of anaesthetic wasn't anything like the near fatal experiences cast in my mind's eye of all those years ago.

I had questions, mostly for the dentist from way back when I was a baby monkey, like: 'What the fuck were you doing drilling with a 16mm drill bit and a power tool, you prick?' and 'Couldn't you have spent any longer that two hours boring into my face?' and such and such.

All kidding and profanity aside, having my teeth drilled to smithereens by the world's most polite dentist who didn't speak a word of English was all right. It wasn't even comparable to getting a tattoo done or having a needle poked through your ear in order to look more like George Michael's drooping left testicle.

It was, to coin an oxymoron, virtually painless.

I reckon it'll be another few dozen visits before I can restore faith in my ability to withstand sugar.

Then again, black coffee has its moments. (Yeah, right.)

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Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

I slapped that sweet bitch sugar down to the ground last year.

She's doing hard time at the West Enamel Low Security Leisure Centre Penitentiary.

Occasionally she busts out and makes me suck off a Bounty, but other than the odd parole violation, she's mostly under control.

Kaufman said...

Chocolate's going to be the toughest test for me. I wouldn't be surprised if share prices in Snickers plummeted to the point of no recovery.

I'll have to find another lover, one who won't scar me as much.

Ms Smack said...

White sugar is sooooo bad for you. White flour, white pasta - oh baby, dont start me.

Its all bleached.. its awful.

Learn to love sweetener.

AND stop eating rockmelon (cantaloupe)watermelon, and pineapple. The sugar in them will rot your teeth, and create more damage than a coffee.

Kaufman said...

Honeysmack: I hear you loudly and clearly on the bleach front. Since I've been over here, where white rice is God second only to Buddha, I've eaten brown rice wherever possible.

Fruit hasn't been a major hassle because it's more expensive than chocolate covered Rolls Royces. However, once the body and mind return to Australia, I'll be again sinking every available tooth into the sweet juices of nature's finest edible creations.

Condoms for teeth. That's what the world needs.