March 16, 2006

# 65

Things I've not (yet) invented due to lack of funding and desire:
* A parrot-shaped robot capable of underwater retrieval.
* Self-regenerating hazelnut flavoured ice-cream in a Vegemite jar (1L).
* Running shoes with voice recognition.
* Full-strength beer with slimming properties.
* A talking computer which dishes out insults as the voice of Arthur C. Clarke whenever required to perform a task.
* Teri Hatcher, cloned and with a modicum of acting ability.+
* A rubber windscreen for (only) my car.
* A family of immortal ninja-gorillas trained to hunt politicians (past and present, though not deceased).
* Bicycles designed to self-destruct whenever the right pedal is engaged.
* A god-shaped pillow for moments of religious awakenings ('unto others,' as it were).

+ Not my image. Used without permission for non-monetary gain from original source.


Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

I'm in on the Gorilla effort.

That's the best idea you've had this week.

I'll start scouring the jungle for well read simeons. Any big monkey with a copy of '1984' doesn't have to complete the 18 weeks basic training.

benjibopper said...

Monsenior Kaufman,

I have reciprocated your sado-benevolence; we are now cybernetically interlinked.

Kaufman said...

UTMG: Let's rock!

BenjiBopper: Your close. Give dem to mee.

reverendtimothy said...

Every item on that list has an obvious purpose except the rubber windscreen. I'm just curious as to why you'd want one? A whole CAR made out of rubber I could understand - but just the windscreen?

PS: How about a robotic terri hatcher in the shape of a parrot which hunts politicians and retrieves their underwear?

Kaufman said...

Just the windscreen, good Reverend. I've always wanted to experiment with car crashes at various speeds though the thought of hurtling through glass doesn't appeal to me.

In theory, the rubber windscreen will enable me to remain in the car during sudden and planned impact.

The second someone offers the right kind of dollars, the more we'll know about the pros and cons to my rubber windscreen theory.

And! If the car is destroyed in the process, the windscreen could fetch mega bucks on eBay from having my head imprinted on it.

Tell me I'm wrong.

Michaela said...

ninja gorillas?

that would be an interesting sight.

Kaufman said...

They're not your average ninja gorillas either, Michaela. They're the blue ribbon variety silverbacks; short fuses and long memories for past (and present) governmental blunders. They have a keen sense of direction as well, which means if we find sponsorship for this thang, we could base a TV show around it, where a different politician is the main sacrifice each week. I'm thinking of a 53-part series (including a Best Of) for the first year alone.

The potential is there and I'm willing to train until a satisfactory level of assassination skill is reached.

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

How about using the Ninja Gorillas to test the windscreens? All that training will mean they have attained Zen spiritual levels which make them immune to pain, and all the more likely to be able to report effectively on the crash resistant properties of the aforementioned invention.

The Hatcher Parrot does, in fact, exist. I can't go into further detail than that.

Kaufman said...

For the last time EVERYONE: The rubber windscreen is for ME and for ONLY ME!

I'm going to stand my ground with this issue, so don't even think about maybe trying to instigate anything remotely connected with a thought revolving around the act of seducing me into possibly changing my mind.