February 02, 2007

# 122 aka Here we go, here we go, here we go...



See if you can spot my main point with this one.

The sentence I did not want to read today has appeared in black and white. What's more, I went and read it. Who's the dickhead now?'

Andrew Flintoff wins the toss. England will bat.'

Hoo-fucken-ray... Another day of limited Limited Overs ahead of us. The question I will pose, yet again, he adds with the bold function for emphasis, is what makes England think the best way to defeat Australia is to bat first?

Hasn't anyone showed the Poms the clause that states they are supposed to be ENTERTAINERS? Give the crowd some entertainment, you bastards, by letting the Aussies, aka the team that knows how to bat, fucken bat! Chase 555 and stumble 450 runs shy of it for all I care but DON'T BAT FIRST. PLEEEEEASE!

Making 110 when batting first (on Australia Day no less) was hardly entertaining cricket by these English cricketers, and by "hardly" I mean get out of the fucken country you non-entertaining cunts, fuck right off and stop fucken batting fucken first.

FUUUUUUUCK!

Let's collectively hold our breath and make that holy cross movement across our beating chests no matter which demonic god we happen to believe in.

Maybe, just maaaaaaaybe, this one will last past 6 pm local time.

Stay tuned...I know that I will.


UPDATE:
An SMS of this post was sent to the England manager seven seconds after it was posted which prompted the English side to post 292 runs for the loss of seven wickets in response; their highest ODI total since 1877. I expect a swift and professional approach to the run chase from the Australian top order which has been carving opposition bowlers without their signature culinary flair during the past few games. Perhaps they're fucken sick of chasing mediocre totals.

Wah?

I thank de Jesus for sending the coin to the turf the way that Andreus Flintoffush called it, for now I am at home with a Cooper's pale ale betwixt my man boobs licking my lips and anticipating a swashbuckling response to an ok total (remembering that 550 on this pitch would have been a pretty all right sort of total).

Stay tuned...I know that I will.


UPDATE:
Gilchrist out first ball of the run chase. Australia now 7/180 with Andy Symonds as the eighth unofficial out in the club rooms nursing a punctured bicep. Walking heel to toe to defeat has never looked so good as the Aussies shuffle quietly forwards while England's lion triplets roar from the shadows of the Sydney Cricket Ground's mammoth lights.

Stay tuned...I know that I will.


UPDATE:
Australia wasn't bowled out tonight but but still lost the match having fallen 92 runs shy of the English lions' spirited showing of 292.

I'd like you to meet my nephew, Stan. >>


13 comments:

Under the Radar said...

I noticed a headline on cricinfo that said "enlgand send for gough" which is exactly what I fucken said they would do before they even left the country to go to your end in the first place.

Luckily I have managed to miss all the cricket this summer/winter (depending on your hemisphere). Plunket got one of `em out first ball of the bay, though. Law of averages reading from the script today.

Kaufman said...

The first delivery from Plunket was the ball of the tournament. Gilchrist was fucked the second it left Plunket's hand.

And, for once, England entertained. It would seem they also bowled to a plan; two rarities in their summer of discontent.

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

We did something!

We DID something!

My god!

Kaufman said...

And now they've done something even better!

To be 1-0 up in the finals when it looked like another 300+ chase is extraordinary; to give McGrath lip and send him into a boyish bottom-lip-curling grumpy haze was pure genius.

I guess someone punched the snooze button when Australia's wake-up call rang a game ago. Maybe two losses in sequence will supply better clarity to an ineffectual rotation policy (Shane "Not Warne" Watson hasn't played all summer yet got a guernsey for the first final. What the fuck and all that?).

Ooroo.

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

..although, by the gushing in the english press, you would think the ashes had never happened.

benjibopper said...

damn, even stan knows more about cricket than i do. (he's probably better at soccer too.)

Kaufman said...

UTMG: I love cricket! There couldn't have been a better scenario to the tour than an English whitewash (felt like joining the ranks of those who overuse that term) of the ODI finals series. I'm not a fan of the Australian rotation policy. In fact, I think it undermines the game and suggests the Australian team goes out to play every game with a chip on the shoulder of each player. Remember the Australian A team a few years' ago? Same shit, different chip smell.

I'm not going to back the Poms for the World Cup but I'd prefer them to win it to those fruity Kiwis.

BB: I had one of those cathartic moments where my carefully chosen swear words appeared without a hint of miracle on the web page. The part about cricket was a red herring, really.

PS Relieved to have vented as a week of new students without any desire to speak English really squeezed my balls. Really.

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

I heard a good joke today about a child who gets physical abuse at home. She is moved in with her grandparents by social services. She gets hit by them , so the social services department decide to put her with the English Cricket team as a last resort, becuase they never beat anybody.

Sent to me by an Aussie mate, surprisingly.

Kaufman said...

Hmm...it reads like that joke was sent about two weeks late. The tables have well and truly turned on our respective national teams. Australia has become the world leading team at not being able to defend a massive total. England has become a team capable of uprooting good batsmen with exceptionally good swing bowling and a batting line-up featuring Paul Collingwood.

I'm looking forward to that tournament in the Caribbean. The time difference is going to be excruciating. Must remember to buy video tape.

HORNY said...

looks like everyone is alive and well

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

I'm not sure what it will be like for us, time wise. Although, If I took the time to calculatge it, I could probably work it out for myself.

I'll wait until the shiny box tells me what to do, as always.

Pie! said...

*sigh* I don't know anything about cricket. I keep checking back here hoping I could one day comment about something, so...erm, here it is.

I suspect you must be busy with your little darling. Hope all is well!

Also, have you had a listen of the Decemberists? If not, I think you might like them.

Kaufman said...

Horny: Sort of. Alive? Yes. Well? Perhaps.

UTMG: Exterminate! Exterminate! By the time you read this England will have won their first (practice?) game.

Pie!: Cricket has that effect on many people. Australian Rules Football has the same effect on me.

Yeah, our sweet little darling and an engaging schedule have prevented me from devoting more than a fleeting glimpse in the direction of the ether.

If you're looking to comment, I'm currently in manic mode to get two pieces done. ETA should be around Thanksgiving. ;p

I downloaded a batch of The Decemberists' albums. Have sifted through a couple and liked what I've heard. Will do my best to hear the rest.

PS Are you still accessing Last.fm?