June 28, 2006

# 102

Hey you, the Rock Steady Crew, show 'em what to do, make a break make a move.

I'm not claiming to know what has happened to England's all-conquering abilities, so I'll throw a lifeline to someone at CricInfo.com to have a go at explaining it to me, you, and everyone we know:

'2.1 (overs): Harmison to Tharanga, 1 wide, this defies belief. Harmison back aiming at first slip and on target.'

Okay. So, essentially, what you're saying is that the Englandomish bowlers are spraying the deliveries into the proverbial stands. As an avid follower of the gentlemanly game and as a staunch supporter of fairness through sport, I need to ask: Should there be any further cause for concern with regards to the English skills during the time of this line of questioning?
'5.6 (overs): Ali to Tharanga, 3 runs, A gentle push which evades Solanki at backward point and races across the outfield and Harmison had to make a rather undignified sprawling stop on the boundary. He gets up with all the agility of a grounded giraffe.'

Cheers, muchacho. I think the virtual peepers are free of any undesired static.

How about an update at the 20-over mark? (136/1)

'Those watching on TV might have noticed some marks on the outfield. It seems they are a legacy of recent concerts on the ground. They used The Oval for a series of rock concerts in 1971 and 1972, an idea ended when Motorhead fans started bonfires on the outfield…'

Well, pardon me for thinking that you're being a complete and utter dick about all this. Go you mighty Poms; 3-0 down in a best-of-five series isn't the ballgame!


reverendtimothy said...

I know nothing about soccer... but I *do* know that Lady Flex could've taken on the Rock Steady Crew any day!

I learnt that from a book on break dancing I bought for $1 from a bargain bin. It was printed in the 80's, and didn't sell then, just like they couldn't sell it now (hence why they had to flogg it off for a buck).

I ended up wrapping it and giving it away as a birthday present to someone. I can't remember who. I'm sure they appreciated it.

Kaufman said...

I'll help you track down the gift recipient. Then we'll dance off with (insert name of person here) for the rights to publish our story.

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

I watched us getting shamelessly fisted in one of the earlier games, the night of the England/Sweden world cup football game.

It was embarrassing.

4 wickets fell and we made something like 10 runs.

Bottom order collapse.


Bring on the Motorhead fans!

Captain Berk said...

You should try watching the starfleet annual Human vs Klingon interspecial wrestling contest.

It's ugly.

Kaufman said...

UTMG: Methinks England's depth of players is under the microscope at present. I read that someone in the know suggested Stuart Law (ex Queensland captain and, I can't believe I'm going to use this term, stalwart; former Australian representative at fill-in for those who are injured level) ought to be in the English side as he's served his sentence for defection and now qualifies for the English #1s.

I'm no expert, even with that framed certificate that I forged with the blessing of Darren Lehman, but I don't think England's worst problems lie in the batting.

I think every country goes through mean trotts because of over spiced curry, but the English bowling attack is spraying the bowling, read: the excrement, all over the track. And when the bowling attack lands something on the pitch, it's usually in the slot to be driven, pulled or fucking hoicked mercilessly into Wales and every which way where Wales doesn't happen to be.

As the cliche goes, it's good for the game (or whatever; I'm just glad that it's me drinking tequila by the pool and not Vicarious Solanki).

CB: Sounds fascinating. I'm not one to shy away from experiencing new and bizarre rituals involving the torture and decapitation of humans. How does one go about procuring tickets? I have several short skirts within reach.

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

It is good for the game.

The 20/20's are coming to the local ground soon. England vs Somebody else international.

The question is: Do I get tickets and show up dressed as a crow to motivate our very own stalwarts to succeed?

But then again, stalwarts have to be consistant don't they?

Kaufman said...

I think that's the common misconception (again?); that stalwarts have to be consistent. They don't, Toast. In fact, nobody has to be consistent. The only thing any professional athlete has to be is at 100% (for there ain't no more) of their peak, fucking-A-grade best on any given day that someone pays to watch them play.

England can field a fifth-rate side any day that a match of theirs isn't screened on television, whether it's screened by the BBC (?) or in Bumphuckville, Equatorial Guinnea. the same applies to every nation that sends a team out onto a piece of turf lined at the perimeter with a fence. I know of at least five (count 'em!) players who didn't deserve to be out in the middle during the most recent Ashes series; not because of hindsight, but because of witnessing fucking sub-standard performances leading up to and including the first five matches of the Australians' stint over there. Just like Robert, adjustment is the key.

I'd go with you to that 20/20 test of vision. But I rarely invite myself to anything these days.

Monty Python.

Geoff said...

Being an avowed Australian racist through, no fault of my own! The cultural fact that every state has a public holiday for a horse race and in one case the nation stops for running of the Melbourne Cup has obviously brainwashed me over the years combined with the revelation that Warney is a technological genius by inventing the moble phone. The thrashing the English team has recieved in the one day series makes total sense of god's will.

Kaufman said...

You're 100% correct, Geoff: English cricketers' prayers were ignored to the point of god himself giving the bastards the finger. Are the Sri Lankans primarily Buddist? There may be something in that for all of us.

Wasn't it Hawkey who said we were the clever country? If it was the beer skulling wunderkind I'm thinking of, then I believe he was referring to the reason you stated; having public holidays on days involving sporting events.

Personally, I think Australia, and Australians for that matter, deserve a public holiday for every Olympic gold medal, every one-day international victory (excluding games vs Bangladesh), every rubgy union victory (world cup or otherwise), every pro surfing victory (men's and women's), every world cup football (aka soccer) game (as opposed to victory, coz, well...let's face it, we're not quite ready for the onslaught of public holidays bubbling from that victory filled venture) and, fuck it, every final in the AFL, ARL, NBL, and QED.

In fact, if we, the clever people of this even cleverer country, are even required to go to work and to read a fucking book / whatchamacallit whilst pretending to be busy, then I demand an on-the-spot election, for that type of behaviour is thoroughly un-Australian and goes against every principle that Hawkey engrained into the Australian culture way back when we won that fucking sailing cup, or whatever that piece of silverware was.

I love a contest. That's why I wasn't crying when South Africa scored 150 million runs in the second dig of that game. Anything's better than a bloodbath.

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...


THAT game was pretty amazing.

If we had national holidays based only upon sportig events we won, commercial productivity would probably skyrocket by a billion percent.

The tourist trade would suffer horribly.