# 136 aka Eight things...

...you never really wanted to know about me anyway:

1. It's a daily struggle for me to understand why anyone would choose skimmed milk (light, 1% fat-99% water, diet, et al.) over the full liquefied blubber version. I mean, if I thought it a wise move, I'd pour additional water into my cup full of coffee and sugar granules before the eyes have fully calibrated the focus necessary to get me through yet another morning, but the thought of adding cold water to the hot I plan to add a wee bit after the deliciously unhealthy - and amazingly tasty - fat-tastic milk I prefer just seems kind of...I don't know...dumb. 'Point taken, Andy, but have you given any thought to your waist?' Well, yeah I have; I give thought to most parts of my body, although I mainly focus on keeping the smaller of my two heads happy...Resume point now: I think about maintaining some form of fitness which is why I exercise regularly and don't waste my time wondering about the likely benefits of eliminating the tasty milk from my diet and replacing it with overpriced white water. Sheeeeeet, I may even afford myself the luxury of more than one cup of coffee a day with my milk of choice. No, not that one. Pass me the udder one!

2. I'm as ignorant as mongoloid apes who repeatedly reach for the electrified baby instead of the organically grown banana when it comes to politics, even though I pretend not to be. I pretend not to be because I'm of the belief that if you can't antagonise someone who is politically endowed then you ought to step aside and let someone else run the night shift at the asylum. I regret to say that this self-imposed
political ignorance may be a genetic trait stemming from my father's side, although I frequently blame my mother during those rare instances when I sneak a fleeting moment to talk to myself under my breath. Apart from those who dedicate their lives to understanding the innermost musings of wordsmiths whose subjects are imaginary deities, I find more than a passing interest in politics to be the second biggest waste of time for anyone not in direct conflict with reason. My mentor, Bill Hicks, once stated that 'all governments are lying cocksuckers'. (I've placed the intonation in the appropriate place to ease the burden of spontaneous analysis.) He made that astute observation in the late eighties-early nineties and I haven't found a reason to think he may have misread the situation. In my unholy eyes, when a fundamentalist Christian belief is combined with this ridiculous infraction on human existence, it only compounds my level of disdain and distrust.

3. I'm a huge fan of picking an argument; not because I'm a cunt or thrive on behaviour unbecoming of a man in his thirties with the mental maturity of an underdeveloped seventeen year old mind, but generally because I find it forces people think about statements they're convinced are infallible. More often than not, they are right, but I would feel as if I'm somehow short changing myself if I don't dive into a verbal stoush with a spear gun, mask and fins... It's either that or, deep down, I am a cunt.

4. Whether by voice or by written word, it is a constant pleasure of mine to swear like the proverbial whore who has been handcuffed to a bed, spread-eagled with her genitalia exposed and the hotel door of the seedy hotel left wide open. I realise the negative impact this has on my credibility as a gentleman and a scholar, but I couldn't give a pirouetting fuck about that. The same motivation has been there since I first came across this particular language trait: to state something that doesn't provoke some kind of emotional response is to not state anything at all. I
thin this point ties in with the previous point. What do you think?

5. To me, answering a stupid question with a slightly better stupid question is on par with witnessing a cracking sunrise on your day off: I'd do it five times a day if the odds were stacked in my favour. 'Are you interested in going to the pub?' 'Is a baby's turd one of the stinkiest expulsions of gas you've ever smelt?' 'How's your wife?' 'Was Tawny Kitaen attracted to David Coverdale because of his golden locks?' 'How was your weekend?' 'I can't remember: was it wax off then wax on or wax off then wax on?' 'Do you have the time, mate?' 'How many General Lees did they trash per episode of The Dukes of Hazard?'

6. Cheese and I are virtually two peas in the same pod. Only one of us is getting out alive.

7. I care deeply about the environment which is why I'm cutting down on the time I spend in the shower from 2 hrs and 10 mins to 1 hr and 55 mins, starting in December.

8. I love everything about baseball, especially knowing that I'm free to explore the finer aspects of points 3 to 5 inclusively without anyone being the wiser. It's a love affair based on mutual understanding between me, my environment and my cock protector.

Ooroo.