August 10, 2007

# 136 aka Eight things...

...you never really wanted to know about me anyway:




1. It's a daily struggle for me to understand why anyone would choose skimmed milk (light, 1% fat-99% water, diet, et al.) over the full liquefied blubber version. I mean, if I thought it a wise move, I'd pour additional water into my cup full of coffee and sugar granules before the eyes have fully calibrated the focus necessary to get me through yet another morning, but the thought of adding cold water to the hot I plan to add a wee bit after the deliciously unhealthy - and amazingly tasty - fat-tastic milk I prefer just seems kind of...I don't know...dumb. 'Point taken, Andy, but have you given any thought to your waist?' Well, yeah I have; I give thought to most parts of my body, although I mainly focus on keeping the smaller of my two heads happy...Resume point now: I think about maintaining some form of fitness which is why I exercise regularly and don't waste my time wondering about the likely benefits of eliminating the tasty milk from my diet and replacing it with overpriced white water. Sheeeeeet, I may even afford myself the luxury of more than one cup of coffee a day with my milk of choice. No, not that one. Pass me the udder one!




2. I'm as ignorant as mongoloid apes who repeatedly reach for the electrified baby instead of the organically grown banana when it comes to politics, even though I pretend not to be. I pretend not to be because I'm of the belief that if you can't antagonise someone who is politically endowed then you ought to step aside and let someone else run the night shift at the asylum. I regret to say that this self-imposed
political ignorance may be a genetic trait stemming from my father's side, although I frequently blame my mother during those rare instances when I sneak a fleeting moment to talk to myself under my breath. Apart from those who dedicate their lives to understanding the innermost musings of wordsmiths whose subjects are imaginary deities, I find more than a passing interest in politics to be the second biggest waste of time for anyone not in direct conflict with reason. My mentor, Bill Hicks, once stated that 'all governments are lying cocksuckers'. (I've placed the intonation in the appropriate place to ease the burden of spontaneous analysis.) He made that astute observation in the late eighties-early nineties and I haven't found a reason to think he may have misread the situation. In my unholy eyes, when a fundamentalist Christian belief is combined with this ridiculous infraction on human existence, it only compounds my level of disdain and distrust.




3. I'm a huge fan of picking an argument; not because I'm a cunt or thrive on behaviour unbecoming of a man in his thirties with the mental maturity of an underdeveloped seventeen year old mind, but generally because I find it forces people think about statements they're convinced are infallible. More often than not, they are right, but I would feel as if I'm somehow short changing myself if I don't dive into a verbal stoush with a spear gun, mask and fins... It's either that or, deep down, I am a cunt.



4. Whether by voice or by written word, it is a constant pleasure of mine to swear like the proverbial whore who has been handcuffed to a bed, spread-eagled with her genitalia exposed and the hotel door of the seedy hotel left wide open. I realise the negative impact this has on my credibility as a gentleman and a scholar, but I couldn't give a pirouetting fuck about that. The same motivation has been there since I first came across this particular language trait: to state something that doesn't provoke some kind of emotional response is to not state anything at all. I
thin this point ties in with the previous point. What do you think?




5. To me, answering a stupid question with a slightly better stupid question is on par with witnessing a cracking sunrise on your day off: I'd do it five times a day if the odds were stacked in my favour. 'Are you interested in going to the pub?' 'Is a baby's turd one of the stinkiest expulsions of gas you've ever smelt?' 'How's your wife?' 'Was Tawny Kitaen attracted to David Coverdale because of his golden locks?' 'How was your weekend?' 'I can't remember: was it wax off then wax on or wax off then wax on?' 'Do you have the time, mate?' 'How many General Lees did they trash per episode of The Dukes of Hazard?'


6. Cheese and I are virtually two peas in the same pod. Only one of us is getting out alive.


7. I care deeply about the environment which is why I'm cutting down on the time I spend in the shower from 2 hrs and 10 mins to 1 hr and 55 mins, starting in December.



8. I love everything about baseball, especially knowing that I'm free to explore the finer aspects of points 3 to 5 inclusively without anyone being the wiser. It's a love affair based on mutual understanding between me, my environment and my cock protector.




Ooroo.

29 comments:

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

"pirouetting"

I always feel inclined to put an H in that word for some reason.

I agree with all your poitns, which is why I am backing away towards the door...

..very slowly.

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

points!

(damn it)

Kaufman said...

I thought there was an 'h' in it as well until dictionary.com denied me the honour of cocking it up.

Does it all matter anyway? I recently read that teachers were being asked to re-write English silly buses in order to lessen the hardship for kidz who r more equipped mently 2 use txt lingo.

Fkrz!


The image of you backing away slowly towards the door reminded me of...

'Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.'

'Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Mob said...

I think I've actually used the 'smiling politely' line at least once at dinner parties with the wife, because I have fuck-all in common with most of those people.

Great information sir, thanks for playing, you really brought your 'A" game rather than just throw together several off the cuff comments and call it good.

Hope your time out of the classroom is treating you well.

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

Heh!

I like that episode.

Some misanthrope child here in the U.K. submitted an exam paper written entirely in text language. It was rightly thrown out for its illegibility.

The idea that teachers are being asked to accomodate such an ideal angers me to the point of near-total mental collapse.

Abbreviate that into text language.

Are we really headed for the infamous doublespeak orwelian nightmare 25 years late, but earlier than I had hoped?

benjibopper said...

how would you defeat your precious cheese without the power of skim you megalomaniacal apolitical booze sucking twot?

ha, try to respond to that question with a slightly better one.

not sure how i became a tag subject on this one. did i tag you with this thing and forget about it the bloody morning after?

there's another question that'll be tough to top.

good show.

benjibopper said...

there he goes again, living his real life.

benjibopper said...

I have taken up your TTCE challenge and it is ready for the next scribe. Alas, we seem to have lost Under the Radar.

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

I would imagine you were quite amused by England's catastrophic showing against South Africa.

I nearly ate my own face in fit of pique

benjibopper said...

TTCE has been updated again. For some reason I can't see the changes within the main dashboard but when I click on 'edit' I can see them.

eric1313 said...

"I couldn't give a pirouetting fuck about that."

Looks like Ultra Toast beat me to that one.

Whole milk and smoked gouda--nothing else really matters. Except my milf sometimes girlfriend and a jeroboam of the cheapest bubbly. And a nice joint, so maybe I can sleep before sunrise.

As for the txt msg kdz being cattered to, I think I said this at Toast's in response to The Illusioon of Choice: A stupid voter is a republican voter. A stupid consumer is an ideal citizen.

It's sad, but that's why our government has no problem letting all of our brains rot. Latin in schools anybody? No, no, we can't have sheep understanding the finer points of our legal code, now can we? now it seems we could use some brains in our populace, before China inxades to save us from our selves.

Good to see you again, Kaufman.
peace out.

eric1313 said...

inxades--thats mine. oh yeah. innovation, baby!

benjibopper said...

FREE Kaufman!

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

Yeah, free kaufman for everybody.

Now 50% wackier!

eric1313 said...

Happy New Year, Sir Kaufman.

Plenty of blogging time here--my Oldsmobile's engine caught fire two nights before Christmas. Santa couldn't get the UAW elves to churn out some wheels for me, so I'm about fucked sideways with no kiss to sweeten the action.

Hope all goes well for you.

Peace out.

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Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

Well well.

Its been two years since one of my all time favourite bloggers posted anything here.

Where did all the good times go?

Probably out on the piss. Maybe they're asleep in the gutter somewhere. Hungover, peering through some brambles at the sky from a ditch on a motorway verge.

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